Taking the Masks Off,

Getting Real with Each Other

Coming out of a year when our safety, our health, and even the truth itself have seemed embattled, it is harder than ever to know who — and how — to trust. And yet, in the aftermath of trauma, discord, stress, isolation, and upheaval, trust is a crucial part of healing.

As important as self-reliance is to resiliency, connection is also key to mental health. That’s why — as we emerge from the “pods” we formed during the pandemic — we find ourselves rediscovering the bonds of community and remembering what it’s like to build relationships beyond those closest to us.

Let’s face it: we all have “boundary issues” after COVID.

After a solid year of staying 6 feet away from most people, our facial expressions concealed by masks, it’s natural to feel inhibited by things that used to feel natural. We’re conditioned to be careful, wary, and worried about human contact in a way that most of us never experienced before the pandemic. So how do we learn to connect again after intense isolation? How do we begin to relax boundaries we’re accustomed to viewing as imperative?

To overcome boundaries, we must first consider what they are and why they are there. After all, walls can be important, even crucial, in safeguarding one’s property. They can protect privacy and deter potential thieves, invaders, and predators. Psychological and emotional boundaries also serve a purpose, guarding our vulnerable selves from the trespass of the careless and insensitive.

“Good fences make good neighbors,” wrote Robert Frost. But not every fence need be a wall. Many of the most powerful fences are invisible: felt, recognized and acknowledged until they are no longer needed. These fences may separate us from connection, fellowship, and trust. These are the boundaries we face when we think, “I want and need to go there…but not yet”.

Dugri is a Turkish turned Arabic word meaning the truth: the opposite of a lie. In its Hebrew adaptation it means, “real (blunt) talk” or “speak your mind, don’t hold back.” This word has special resonance in my practice because I’ve seen the transformative power of real, honest, open conversation to enable ventilation, empathy, and compassion. I’ve seen how this practice, once mastered, can bring about change and relax the boundaries that estrange us from each other.

But how does it work, and why? How does baring ourselves help to transcend boundaries and expand our circle of trust?

Getting real with someone helps you get real with yourself.

How many of us gain solace and insight as we write in a private diary, exposing our most vulnerable emotions with the assumption that no one else will ever read them? But is that true? Are we not hoping somehow to share our inner thoughts, but worried lest they reveal some of our weakness and pain? Isn’t there a part of ourselves that longs to share with someone we can trust — a person who will listen patiently, keep our confidence, and refrain from judgment?

With real talk, we bypass some of our psychological defenses. Our emotional stories become more coherent to ourselves when we communicate them with others. This spoken diary is energizing…even liberating. No fears of recrimination and no judgment.

Getting things off your chest.

King Solomon said: “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down but speaking it out cheers it up”. This ancient wisdom reminds us that we are better off when we do not stay alone with our intense feelings. Getting real with another person makes us feel better.

The power of compassionate listening

King Solomon also expressed his quest for “A listening heart.” When someone talks about something real, painful, and frightening and we attune to what that person is feeling, we listen with our hearts. Empathy, the show of compassion, is a crucial positive component in a wide array of clinical interventions, interpersonal support, relationships and more. Empathy empowers resilience in all human interaction.

Better stress management

Venting and sharing emotions with others reduces stress. Social support is an important resource in dealing with adverse, stressful situations. Talking things out can draw us closer together as we remember how to care for each other. This alone can help us cope with the stressful demands of work, life and loneliness.

There are many effective ways of coping with stress, among them mindfulness meditation, Yoga, exercise, and more.

But often the most available and effective way to process trauma and reduce anxiety is to talk, really talk, with someone who knows how to listen.

And, as importantly, to listen and attend to the truth of others. As awkward and foreign as it may seem to us after a year when health was synonymous with distance, this moment is one in which the answers and the comfort we need may lie beyond our boundaries.